kissing the wind through my window screen

instead of settling for being the victim why haven’t you thought about why everyone ends up hating you so much

you told me once that writing letters to people was the best way to address an issue with them. well, here’s my version of said closure.

you are by far the craziest person i have ever met. not to mention your uncanny ability to suck people into your woe is me vortex, and drown them in your instability. it’s unnerving how persistent you were about saying anything you could to point out how ‘horrible’ the people i call my closest friends are. the sad thing is, i know you’re going to read this and think, “oh my blog i am just so above her and her lame hipster friends. i am so fucking wonderful and pretty and she just wants to be me, just like everyone else.” when in reality, you should be asking yourself what the fuck you’re doing with your life. i mean, i really thought you were my best friend. but then you lied to my face, dropped me in two seconds once your boy started banging you, and unveiled how insane you really are.

i can’t even feel bad for you anymore. you just shit on everything around you, to pull it down to your sad level. on the way home from new york when you told me i convinced people something was wrong with them, i just kept thinking how angry you were making me by projecting all of your faults onto me just to feel better about them. you took advantage of my naivety, and brainwashed the fuck out of me.

to be fair, when i met you i was at a really unhappy place. so, naturally, i clung to you because you’re not exactly the cheeriest person alive. it was when we started doing drugs together that i realized how painfully discontent your state of mind really is. i instantly panicked, and confided in my closest friends for comfort in all of this state of alarm you kept putting me into about the most trivial shit.

i can’t believe that  i actually looked up to you. you’re making all of the idiotic decisions you once told me you never would. and for a guy, no less. i can honestly say you are the prime example of ‘love is blind’. your boyfriend leeches off of you, and aspires to nothing but kissing your feet, and you make our apartment reek of codependency every time you open your bedroom door. your nonsensical humor, and obnoxious music has really opened my eyes to how unbearbly unhappy you were making me when we were (somehow) close. every person i have run into from your past has the same exact thing to say about you, including myself. you really are self absorbed, and cocky for really no reason at all.

i understand you’re doing the whole ‘discovering yourself’ shit. and i respect that. but seriously, did your therapist instruct you to burn every possible bridge you had with me for your fiance and run away to Portland where you have no living space or job waiting for you? I don’t think so. I bet, just like you did to me, you told her everything you wanted her to believe about me, and made me sound like the crazy, ridiculous girl that you actually are, again, just like you did to me. and really, it’s fine. i am only this level of upset because i trusted you when i clearly shouldn’t have. this isn’t jealousy of you’re oh so totally hawt boy, or your s00per rockin’ redundant electro goth ‘music. i just have zero respect for you, and honestly feel like i wasted an entire summer of my life trying to be close to you.

i think you’re a sad girl, with a sad boyfriend. with a head full of ideas, and nothing close to the common sense to carry any of them out. 

if it means anything, i wish the best for you. i don’t want you to die, or be unhappy. i just hope you really do find whatever Portland holds for you, and that I was a dumb angry cunt who was completely wrong about you.

thx fr teh mmrs. later days, crazy.

seeing you today made me pretty sad.

All that ‘one who got away’ bullshit, ugh. At least you smiled.

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I want it to be Two and a Half years from now so I can go to Alaska and kiss the boy of my dreams.